*Note: I started this post BEFORE Bobby’s DDay and the final break. I kept meaning to get back to it, but never seemed to get around to it. I do find it cathartic to think about the positive things I experienced in my relationship with him and all the joy I felt.
So, while this is written in present tense, it was actually present tense in early Nov 15, although today it is 4 months old.
I have had an implicit knowledge that the reasons I love Bobby are much different than anything I have experienced before..I have articulated many times over that Bobby had an innate sense of graciousness that I had never experienced. Perhaps this is his Midwestern upbringing. Perhaps it’s just Bobby. Either way, I know I benched him against my relationship requirements and he came out on top, hitting almost every single one of my requirements. (In that post, I was debating what I saw in him when there were other big elephants in the room, ones that I chose to ignore)
So, I thought it would be a good time to start composing the list of reasons that I do love Bobby, and write them in a letter that isn’t meant to be sent.
I love that he is patient.
I love that he is kind.
I love that he is generous.
I love when he asks me for clarity, not assuming something if he is unsure. He tries to understand me. He is also an extraordinarily calm communicator, which means I don’t dive off the deep end in my own emotional spiral.
I love how he will make our plans because he knows that is important to me. He thinks ahead.
I love that he tries, he always tries, to please me…no matter what I ask.
I love how I feel when I am with him, it’s a quiet security sometimes and other times it’s an electric jolt of fun.
I love his honesty. We developed this amazingly transparent relationship….which has a lot to do with our individual persona’s and the situation.
I love how he is dependable. I know he will do what he says he will do. I know he is interested in me. I don’t doubt in Bobby. That is a singularly amazing revelation for me after my abusive marriage.
I love how he never complains, though he could once in a while.
I love how brilliant he is. Listening to him on the phone for a work call is, frankly, a massive turn on for me.
I love how he has “a plan” for his future. He can see where he is going and will work really hard to get there. I admire his work ethic.
I love how is would get upset if I was upset with him, he would be concerned about setting things right.
Respect and Trust…wow, those are tough ones. Yes, I would say I have both for Bobby. But knowing he cheats on his wife always makes me uneasy.. I believe I could, had things been different. Based on what I received from him, yes, I have both trust and respect for him in spades.
He could be the wind beneath my wings, support me and counsel me and is not intimidated or threatened by my vibrancy or fierce personality, he would support it and protect it (and me)
He’s very well-informed and makes good decisions.
He’s an excellent money manager and doesn’t have a fear of spending money. he enjoys spending money on me.
He pays attention to everything I tell him and remembers it all. Even my shoe size so he can buy me sexy shoes.
He is an easy confident traveler and can easily navigate any city or country with ease.
I love that I can help him be a superstar – I make him feel like such a man in so many ways. we build one another up.
I feel glorious, sexy, confident and amazing around him. I know I make him feel the same way because I can see it in his eyes.
The list of physical things goes on and on, I have never experienced sex that is so intense and heightened before. He isn’t the first man to pay attention to my needs, but he has taught me how longevity in a relationship can make the sex so much more intense and fulfilling. I love how he takes lead and wants to teach me new things and is always so willing to be so slow and gentle with me. And, then, the pride he shows when we do something new and exciting together.
He also has a very special look I love, when he is smiling at me, or I am smiling at him…his eyes crinkle up in the corners and it makes me melt.
Bobby has an appeal, from a looks perspective, that has grown on me immensely. His eyes, his hair, his smile and he is taking really good care of his body now. Just when he leaves me he is going to become a hottie! He is very handsome and I told him so every single time I was with him. Just like he told me how beautiful, brilliant or sexy I was.
He danced with me, he drank with me and we had so much fun together. This was as simple as doing something exciting to lying in bed all day. It didn’t matter, our relationship was just easy.
He does make me smile in many, many ways and I have seen him act silly (quite silly when dancing with a cowboy hat on, in fact) when the time is right. The silly in him was just beginning to come out at the end, so I could see this becoming more fun. As he grew more comfortable he was getting funnier and sillier and we had some great big belly laughs. There’s nothing sexier than laughter in bed.
I loved how my smile could make him smile. He constantly told me how beautiful my smile was and how happy it made him. It was so easy to smile with him.
I loved how he thought I was unpredictable. I don’t think I am in fact, but he did. He said I was always able to surprise him.
Something not on the list that has occurred to me is that he didn’t really learn how to address a bad mood…that could be down to time, or down to anything else. If I was upset, he more than likely backed-down. While this has it’s merit sometimes, I often like to be challenged to think in an alternative way.
Bobby had the magic formula, he was my unicorn. Perhaps he is the only one to find the magic formula and there will not be another like him. I’m sure I find love again, but perhaps my own maturity and learning takes me in a different direction.
Bobby brought me to places no man has ever brought me to before. I know why this is impossible for me to release and why I have been hanging on for dear life – I had everything from him except commitment. Problem was, I didn’t realize how much I would need that commitment from him until it was too late.
I don’t regret this relationship in any form. I will learn from it. But I mourn the loss of the most important person who has come into my life in a long time. I cry because I finally got everything I ever thought I ever wanted and it was taken away from me. I despair because I fear I will not have it again, ever, no matter what anyone says.
I think, actually no I believe, we all know our truths…and I believe Bobby was the one to come into my life for a reason and give me all of these things so I can see what is possible. But I do not believe I will have it again, not like this. The magic we created was intense, special and unique. We both learned from this relationship and I forever grateful he came into my life and helped clear my path ahead.
I am terribly sorry the hurt such a wonderful love created in it’s wake. And even more sorry for the loss of a dream.