Re-Open

I didn’t expect to come back here because, frankly, I find most of my (more recent) stuff here still too painful too remember and its healthier to stay away from it.

I have no doubt “they” don’t think it was really love.  I’m sure that the addiction science tells them it could never have been real or true and it was all some kind of fugue state brought on by the addiction.  No doubt that’s also a coping mechanism not to admit true feelings that remain painful and in the way of hurting someone you do love.

I’m sure Bobby must love his wife and I am happy they will find a way forward.  I think about that, I think about them sometimes.  I wonder how he is coping.  I know it’s irrelevant to me, but I do wonder.  I wonder if he thinks of me and if any good thoughts can come to the surface or if they all must be erradicated to move on.  I’m assuming his skill at compartmentalizing has shut me out completely.

Still, I lived through those 10 months….I know what we created and I know what we felt and everyone in his life can write that off to his addiction, but no one can change what actually happened and how I felt.  You can rewrite your own history, but you can’t rewrite mine.  Especially since so much of mine is *actually* in writing.

Sure, it hurts when I think of it (him erasing me) ….but I don’t dwell on it.  My memories of him are still all good.  I also wonder sometimes when the hurt of what he did to me will rise to the surface because it hasn’t yet.  I’m still firmly planted in the love and gratefulness I have towards him.

I have realized lately that I shut down some fantastic stories encapsulated within this blog when I left…something came up that reminded me of a story I had written and when I went to read it, I realized it was private.

I just decided that I wanted to re-open the old stories.  I am not going back for them all 0f them – I closed down 650 stories (what?!) and I don’t have the time and energy to open all of them again.  But, I opened a few hundred.

I also noticed that there has been some daily blog interest over the last couple of weeks (I suppose that’s normal when people run searches for key words?).  I giggle to myself that perhaps I can entertain someone new.

I’m still not in a place to open some of the hurt…so those stories remain closed.  Maybe forever.  Probably forever.  I don’t need to stab myself in the eyes anymore over him, I just need to keep moving forward.

The fact is that I am not ashamed of what I did and I think that’s what happened…I got caught in a shame cycle as he was heading into recovery.  I allowed his recovery and his choice to become religious to affect my opinion of myself.  I looked at his recovery and addiction and thought perhaps he is ashamed of what he did, he is ashamed of me…shouldn’t I be ashamed too?  Am I bad?  Did I do bad things?

It’s taken me a while but I have chosen not to be ashamed, so I opened most of the blog again.  I won’t be writing here, but I no longer need those things hidden here either.

Epilogue

Does every good story have an epilogue?

Doesn’t everyone wonder what happened next?

My love story didn’t end on a high note.  I demonstrated awful behavior throughout my illness because I was so desperately in love with Bobby and needed to hold on for what felt like dear life.

I was dying inside, in so many ways.  My body was collapsing, my heart was broken and my brain stopped functioning.  This was all happening as he was recovering.

If I could have, I should have let go while he was still loving towards me.  He gave me many, many months to let go.  I just couldn’t.

I’m not here to write a massive post about the past week, suffice to say, I reached out to him and, surprisingly, he wrote back.

We had a final 25 minute conversation this evening.  I recorded it so I could listen to it and understand the nuances.

He is a sex-addict in full recovery.  Went to the ranch and all.

He has had full disclosure with his wife, everything.  Though I entirely forgot to ask if he ever told her about the blog.

She has forgiven him.  And me.

I was hoping for some kind words for closure, but I didn’t get any.  He made his amends, but it wasn’t heartfelt, though for a moment, he probably did the best he could.  The good news is that I was well prepped not to expect kind words.  But, as I told ASV, my hope always gets the best of me.

To be fair, I had my closure…over and over and over.  I just wouldn’t let it go.  That’s my fault.  He gave me everything I needed.

Even tonight.  The fact that he responded to me and then called me as he said he would provided me with validation that didn’t require words to back it up.

I look at our last conversation as an opportunity.  I was able to say Thank You in person.  I walk away from last year with the greatest love for him, still.  He gave me hope where I had none.  He showed me how relationships can work, even if ours was broken,  he reminded me of love and desire and made me feel wonderful.

The path he is on is the one I hilighted for him, although that memory now seems obscure to him.    We talked about sex addiction, intimacy and honesty throughout our relationship.  But admitting to me that I was the catalyst to change would be too much today.

It’s ok, I have that in writing from him too.:)  And, long after the break and well into his recovery…but long before his therapy or wife was scripting his words or forming his opinions.

He had a script, so did I.  His was straightforward and bullet-points, mine was emotional.

Although he can’t say any of those words to me now, he can only say he was in love with the lust (as every addict is taught to do)… I lived it, I believed in him and I know what I felt and what I saw.

He can’t change the way I feel.

But,

Revisionist history is powerful.

Thank goodness, for my own sanity, I had this blog, his emails, his text and his phone calls.  I lived it.  And I will never give  up what I walked away with after all.

Strength and love.

He gave more than he took and I will always hold on to that.  Even if he can’t.

I suppose I have one or two more nights of tears over him ahead of me.  That’s ok, I welcome the cleansing relief tears bring.  I know (and he told me he now cries often, so he seems to now understand this fact as well) that opening myself up to the tears and emotion is more healing than hurtful.

The End.

 

A Postscript: Bobby insinuated his wife has had a stalker on her blog posting random comments that need to be deleted.  Derogatory comments.  He didn’t say what the comments were, or when, or anything, but strongly suggested if it was any of my “community” that they stop attacking his wife.

So, how I get blamed for that, I don’t know.  But the insinuation is clear.

Perhaps she should look elsewhere for her enemies.  I admire her tenacity and loved the same man she is married to.  A year ago he told me she had issues forming female friendships, today he is on her side in support, but clearly she has the same issue where people do not like her for some reason or other   – I see that I am an easy scapegoat here, but her problems have been around long before I came into his life

 

 

 

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I’m No Longer Invisible

I started this blog for so many wonderful reasons.

I have met the most brilliant people in all of my readers and never expected to actually make real life friends that I communicate with daily and who love and support me.

The real me.  All of me.

I love you guys (you know who you are).

And I love those of you I haven’t met in real life and who support me here in the blog-o-sphere.

There are 500 hundred of you out there that signed up to view my blog.  I find that utterly astounding anyone is that interested in me, let alone 500  peeps.  My best day ever was the post called “Well, The Hell if That’s Not a Surprise” at 1002 views.  Wow.

I’m ready to shut the doors on that history, though.

I feel quite blessed that in real life I have the type of friendships that support me for the person I am. I have women and men who love me despite some of my less-than-pretty moments. I am able to connect easily on a very deep emotional level with people – in fact, my skill is bringing that out in others.  To make them feel comfortable with themselves and share with me.  I am non-judgmental in my relationships.  It’s how Bobby began to realize relationships in life could be very different if he was his true, authentic and vulnerable self.  Bobby admired that in me and loved doing the hard work of having an authentic relationship with me.  When I make a friend, they are a forever friend and I gladly give of myself to each of them as they do for me.  I value these deep, emotional and rewarding connections with my people.  I count myself lucky that I am able to connect on this level after experiencing so many who cannot because of fear or emotional commitment.

I have decided to close this blog because the Cowboy lives here….and, it’s time to put him away for now.  My therapist suggested taking a break writing about him and I am doing just that.  No doubt my thoughts on him will appear in one form or another go forward, but if they do, I will call him by his rightful name which is Bobby.

I’ve chosen to remember Bobby by the way he looked at me when he loved me and when the heady excitement of being together created immense happiness for us both.   When he looked at me and told me I was beautiful, sexy, crazy cool, elegant, fierce, brilliant, gorgeous, amazing, or wonderful.  It’s that simple.  That man made my heart race and I did the same for him. We should all be so lucky.

Most of this blog is already private and my history here almost fully hidden except for the Bobby saga….he is the last story The Woman Invisible will tell.

With that said, I have also decided that writing has been such a wonderful outlet for me that I will continue.  I don’t plan on a complete makeover, just version 2.0 of Lady M….and, just not here.

I’m thinking of a new image and how I best represent the next phase of my life.

A new blog is like a new wardrobe.  And, you know how much I love new shoes!

One thing I know for sure, I am not the Woman Invisible any longer.  I am fully visible and moving into my best self, my most authentic and vulnerable self.  The Lady M of the future.

I started off being invisible for too many reasons: my x didn’t see me, I was stuck in a cycle of affairs and, most importantly, I couldn’t see me.

But, I’ve taken stock and a very close look at myself and I like what I see and I like the opportunity of the life in front of me and I chose to be very visible.

It’s time for the curtain call for The Woman Invisible and I am taking my bow.

Thank you for being a loyal reader of The Woman Invisible.


📷: Taken by My Cowboy while doing what we did best!  His hat and shirt. Thought this was a perfect ending to our story.

We Stole the Show | The Bobby and M Show Curtain Call

We all know how Bobby loved to call us the Bobby and M show…so I thought this was a fitting song for the last act….

Lyrics

Darling, darling, oh, turn the lights back on now

Watching, watching, as the credits all roll down

Crying, crying, you know we’re playing to a full house, house
No heroes, villains, no one to blame

While wilted roses filled the stage

And the thrill, the thrill is gone

Our debut was a masterpiece

But in the end for you and me

Oh, the show, it can’t go on
We used to have it all, but now’s our curtain call

So hold for the applause, oh

And wave out to the crowd, and take our final bow

Oh, it’s our time to go, but at least we stole the show

At least we stole the show

At least we stole the show

At least we stole the show

At least we stole the show
At least we stole the show
Darling, darling, you know that we are sold out

This is fading, but the band plays on now

We’re crying, crying, so let the velvet roll down, down
No heroes, villains, one to blame

While wilted roses fill the stage

And the thrill, the thrill is gone

Our debut was a masterpiece

Our lines we read so perfectly

But the show, it can’t go on
We used to have it all, but now’s our curtain call

So hold for the applause, oh

And wave out to the crowd, and take our final bow

Oh, it’s our time to go, but at least we stole the show

At least we stole the show

At least we stole the show

At least we stole the show

At least we stole the show
At least we stole the show
Stole the show

At least we stole the show

Stole the show

At least we stole the show

Peace and Closure

It occurred to me as I was looking for the old emails to purge that I have so many good great memories with Bobby.  I was blessed this man came into my life when he did.

The pain of the heartbreak aside, I am deeply in love with Bobby and he has left a significant impression on my heart.  He made my heart happy and whole.  

I’ve learned through therapy that no matter what the situation was, no matter that this was an affair for him and he has chosen a different path –  this was a true, deep and meaningful experience for me.  Bobby was the perfect storm.  The right man at the right time. I do believe, in some weird way, he was my gift from God, or an angel, or whatever else comes to mind…but a gift to me none-the-less.

I was emotionally and sexually vulnerable from so many years of battle damage from my marriage.  I was curious and adventurous.  I had plenty of time on my hands for the first time in my life.  I was wide open and ripe for the picking.  God (or some higher power) put this man in my path for a reason.

Sexually, you already know how impactful he was to my world.  I have no doubt that I am the best sexual partner he has ever experienced as he is mine.  As the relationship grew, the closeness and intensity of our sessions escalated.  I could tell by the way he looked into my eyes, I was sure of the depth of his feeling the longer we were together.  We were a powerful sexual combination.  Maybe I never come across a lover like Bobby again.  I will have to accept that I was lucky to experience this type of sex and passion first hand.  The chemistry was undeniable.

I learned how to be patient with him, how not to fight and how to communicate my needs.  Bobby was an excellent listener. He would always listen closely and try and deliver on anything I desired.  He remembered everything I told him.  He would have been the man to buy my first pair of Louboutins had I not just bought them myself in Paris.  He was the first man to plan a vacation for me and surprise me with things he believed would make me happy.  The way he was always so excited, almost breathless to be with me. He was the kind of man willing to do his best by me just to see me happy.  He hated when I was upset and would find any way to turn the world upside down to make me happy again.   Those are the qualities I need to have in my future relationships. He was so tuned into me I found it unreal after so many years of neglect. I know I gave the same to him – things he neglected about himself – I reminded him how to be a man again in more ways than just sexually.  I know I gave him the courage he needed to move his marriage forward and live more true to himself.  I know I made him feel strong, powerful and like a man again.

I have to be grateful that I had a man who gave me everything I needed when I needed it.  Was he perfect…is anyone?  But he was as close to my ideal as I have ever found and that’s really all that matters in the measure of a man here.  Clearly, I am disregarding the fact that he was a serial cheater, liar, manipulator and swinger…..because the the worst things he was with his wife – well, he wasn’t those things with me.  He was my man for those 8 months and I loved every inch of him.

While I was married, I believed that this kind of relationship could exist.  I kept trying to create it within my marriage and it just didn’t work.  You need to have a willing partner.  I fully understand why I am jealous and envious of Bobby’s wife – it’s because I didn’t have a man who was willing to change with me and work towards a promising future.  I admire this change in Bobby and I accept that he has chosen this path, even if I do not understand why he has made the choice.  He is willing to accept that he must change to move forward.

I am certain that I only know part of his whole self and story.  I am certain there was always more to his marriage, life and background than I was privy to.  Those reasons, the ones I don’t know, must be the reasons he stayed – because I knew the reasons he wanted to leave.  I have to remind myself that I only had a piece of his puzzle, the piece he showed me.  And, I was lucky that the piece he gave me was so spectacular.  It also reminds me why he needed to leave me – there was no way he could continue loving me the way he did, treating me the way he did and remain married.  We had passed the point where keeping his life split was feasible.  He realized that before I could accept it.

All of his emotional energy for 8 months was distorted to me and away from his marriage.  I got all the good stuff during that time while his wife suffered.   Even had his wife not found out about his past, we were on the road to dissolution those last two months.  I would have eventually grown angry that he wasn’t giving me what he had always given me and he saw that before I could recognize it as well.

Bobby gave me months and months of time to let go and I kept wanting more from him.  I don’t know how to wean myself and, god knows, he tried his best to do the right thing by me, until he couldn’t any longer.  Perhaps had the pregnancy and the health issues not happened on top of the break-up, the ending might have been different.  All those weeks alone in my own head – both body and heart destroyed – wreaked havoc on my emotional and psychological well-being. I don’t know.

I question if he ever truly came clean with his wife.  The years of his history would be a very hard thing to digest and stand by, but people do it all the time – and publicly as well – look at Hilary Clinton.  I suppose Jesus is their answer, and one I don’t understand.  We all get our healing in different ways.  Theirs might be religion.  I tend to believe it’s going to be hard to have all the judgement and guilt weighing over a marriage.

I wanted to share the last piece of our story, the parts I never shared, because it would have answered a lot of questions about his character, actions and thought process during our relationship but you are left to see Bobby through my eyes rather than his own words.  I’m sure it would have clarified some of my behavior for you as well.   It wasn’t meant to share.  Things happen for a reason.

I have chosen to close this chapter in my own way – I have had a bit of verbal dump the last few days – though not nearly what I thought it was going to be based on the missing emails, but now that is what it is (a sign perhaps).  I have found peace in writing about the positive things I gained from Bobby being my lover.

I have now deleted the email we used as well as any peripheral emails that were left in the account.  I have saved our text chat and some photos and put them away in a new account that I don’t need to access or open.

I’m ready to move forward as best I can – loving him  in absence.  I loved him with everything I had, I didn’t realize  how much I had given myself over to him.

Yes, he was one of the best things to ever happen to me and that’s how I will remember our time together.  But I am going to work on putting it behind me and do my best to look ahead.

I will probably write that last letter – the one you never send – to tell him how important he was to me and how much I truly loved him….but, in time.  And, I guarantee you – I will see him again, in time, somehow.  I need to look him in the eyes once again.

Now, I just want to rest.

I finally realize I need to rest.  The relationship with Bobby sucked the life out of me along with my health issues and divorce.  I need time to just build myself up again – to remember how I felt so all-powerful with him and learn how to be that same woman without him.

I am admittedly entirely broken.  This utterly destroyed me. My heart and head are  just broken and need a lot of TLC before they heal.  Like all things M, even my healing is not a simple process.

I read an article and this particular line hit home for me:

“You’ll find yourself valuing your intangible ability to love more than your tangible loss, and that is what will give you strength to finally move on.”

Move on.

And find my next Cowboy.

 

Never Written

Things I never wrote about and never will beyond today.

Some of these stories had their background in the emails I lost, so perhaps they were never meant to be written about.  But there was soooooo much I lost.  We exchanged thousands of emails and stories.  Millions of text.  I can’t believe the history is just wiped out.

I re-read everything right around the holidays when I was on bedrest so I actually have a pretty good memory of the things I wanted to still talk about.  No doubt, I will think of others once I post this…but I plan on this being one of the last posts.  I’m getting there..to the end of writing about him.

I guess all we get is snippets from my memory and a little trip down memory lane…

I wanted to share some of our vacation stories.  Bobby was fixated on getting through as much of my bucket list as humanly possible on that trip and making it as special as he could.  Those 3 days we spent together count as the sexiest vacation of my life.

Checking into the hotel and every one calling us “Mr & Mrs H….” Because he hadn’t put my name on the room separately.  That first  day I arrived he was closing up a deal he had been working on all summer.  I had experienced all the highs and lows of getting to the finish line.  As he was on the phone with his boss finalizing details, I started to suck his cock and that eventually turned into a full sex session while he was on the call. The power of his voice combined with his mastery of sex was intoxicating.  I had to scream into a pillow to remain quiet.  Fuck, he was such a turn on.  This was the first time we had sex on one of his calls, but not the last…it happened a few more times after that because it was so hot.

That night we made love on the beach.  We had a long romantic walk, holding hands, talking and making out before I realized his intention.  He made sure he pleasured me first before we coupled.  The waves were crashing down quietly behind us and the sky was filled with brilliant stars.


One of the nights we had loud, crazy sex out on a very open balcony.  There is no doubt people counties across heard us.  It was pure and animalistic.

The day Bobby rented the yacht (which had his wife’s name, no less) and we went on cruise together was nothing short of fabulous. 8 hours of pure unadulterated bliss.   While this is one of the most special memories I have, I will only say that having sex anywhere you can think of on a yacht (including the top deck in open air), on a jet ski, in the water (all in daylight) and being with the man you love who has finally told you that he is head over heels in love with you makes for a memory that will be held in my heart forever.  Does it get much better than your boyfriend renting a huge yacht for the day and telling you how much he loves you?  This was the day we finally exchanged our “I love you’s”. Best. Day. Ever.


 Dancing in the hottest club with him with his one white-boy move and his hands up my dress on my ass and always with a hard on. He really wanted to have sex in the club but the right place/time didn’t present itself.  Gosh, we had so much fun that day and night.

Going to the nude beach and having him lather me with lotion and then having sex in the water for almost an hour.  We had no shame.  We bobbed in the water chatting and fucking for that hour – serious conversation while his hard, thick cock slid in and out and he nibbled on my breasts under a perfectly blue Florida sky.


Sitting in bed the morning of our departure and making love and sharing breakfast together.

After our days (if it was in the city or on a trip) together, how he would write me the next day and tell me he was all “fucked out” and was entirely drained two days later.

The time in Denver when we did actually make it back to another couples room. Although I won’t write the actual story, the sexual experience with the other couple was crazy intense.  I had one of the strongest orgasms of my life delivered at the hands of all 3 of my partners while Bobby held me close to him during the entire experience.

In particular on this trip, he showed me a sadness I hadn’t  seen before when he spoke about missing his life in Fort Collins. He said it was the first place he really and truly felt like home but his wife ruined it for him by waking up every day for a year asking if they could move the city .  He told me he couldn’t take her asking and complaining anymore so he finally decided he should move, plus he had been at home with her that entire year and was miserable living so confined with her .  He always said that while she hated the suburbs, he actually loved that life deep down and regretted leaving it behind.  The sincere emotion he displayed when talking about this saddened me for him – especially because she also hated heir Indiana home and he loved it so much.  I think that’s why he talked about me visiting there and spending time, he knew how much would embrace the change, no matter where I was

The time his wife remained in Italy for 5 days and we spent every moment together.  This was probably around June when my feelings began to grow for him. We had been spending so much time together at that point – no less than 2 nights a week. I never understood how he  got away with it. Or how he hid the cost of the luxurious hotels we stayed in. He always got a suite in a 5 star hotel for the most part.  No wonder I got so spoiled from all the beautiful hotels, restaurants and bars we visited together…..and all just around the corner from his apartment or work so he could spend as much time with me as physically possible.

All the emails that described how he masturbated in the shower to me every single morning.  Or how he would leave work and find an empty room so we could have phone sex in the middle of the day!  The hours and hours and hours of phone sex…..hours and hours….god we spent so much time talking…and the sexy stories we would share.  We exchanged so much soft porn writing that I am truly sad that most of the stories are just gone into thin air.  He would tell me about all the things I knew nothing of in graphic detail.    He used to tell me he admired how I had my blog for an outlet and how he wanted to do the same.

All the stories we shared about fucking on his farm property.  He sent me photos of the house and where he hunts and we would have graphic exchanges of what we would do to each other on the farm, in the ponds, in front of the fireplace, and fire pit,  in the fields, in the treehouse, on the kitchen counters, on the porch,  on the tractors and in the hunting perch.  That eventually turned into sweet stories of his life and how he would share snippets of growing up (sometimes those were not so nice stories, but the sharing was wonderful). He described driving to his grandma’s and how many places along the way he wanted to share with me..and fuck me.  I loved how he used to linger in town just to get cell phone service to chat with me. Or when he was using his favorite smoker and sending me photos of what he was cooking!

Another time in Denver when we took a long day drive and spent the day cuddling, kissing and talking in a beautiful mountain town. He shared so much about his life that day and we were so close in that moment. On the drive home he pulled the car up a deserted road and we fucked like mad on the hood of the car in broad daylight out in the fresh, wide open mountain air.  He wanted me to scream as loud as I could because we were in secluded mountains and I took full advantage. He wrote the story out before the trip and the real thing was pretty close.  There were a lot of “I loves you’s” exchanged on this trip, freely.  I could tell he had fallen hard by this point



Just being silly talking about vacations, over and over (especially Turks and Mexico) and the fact we discussed Vegas so many times and never made it there…he talked about the Bellagio so much I felt like I visited!  He also told me about his trips to Vegas over the years and the clubs he frequented as well as one hell of a sexy road trip with his California lover. (That lover had a cuckholded husband, so Bobby would fuck her unprotected and drop her off at home with his cum dripping from her pussy so her husband could lick it off)

Oh and his favorite winery in California (Three Sticks) and taking me there.  I recall him ordering a special wine one night (the night he met my friends), I think the wine was Justin, and telling  me all about reds and promising to share some of his favorites.  Of course we talked about sneaking off into the grapes as well…

He told me how it all started…the swinging and how it escalated over the years. What drove him to cheat and why he didn’t experience guilt.  How many times he just went to the clubs alone. And how so much of that changed while he was with me.  I remember he once told me he would never feel the need to be with anyone else if he had me.

And one of my favorites was when he described our relationship and told me he considered me his girlfriend and explained how important to him it was that I view him as my boyfriend.  Soon after, he admitted jealousy that I might find someone to have a relationship with.

How he described the way I smelled and how the smell could bring him to his knees.  As soon as we met he would breath me in deeply and when we laid together I could tell how much he loved it by the way he burrowed into my body.  He commented how my smell was so unique and he wasn’t normally affected by smell the way he was with me.  The sound he made when he breathed me in brought me to my knees too.

When he came home from vacation in Ireland, it was if the world had  spun on its axis and he knew he loved me and was going to prove it to me no matter what it took. That first night he was insistent on “making love” to me for hours, gazing into my eyes and being certain I felt the love flowing from him  although the words were not spoken, I knew , he knew and all was right with the world.   He admitted to being miserable on his vacation and away from me   He was so afraid he screwed up while he was away…but he made up for it in spades when he returned….for a very long time

Finally….the baths.  I know I wrote about some of them, but there was one that was something beyond spectacular on the night that was supposed to be our last night together.  Looking our over a dimly lit night city and lying in his arms in a bath, talking about love and life…he shared some of his most intimate stories with me.

And…..last week I happened to get a deal on a hotel room in the city and didn’t realize until I arrived at the hotel that it was the first hotel I ever had sex with Bobby in…..granted I had a tiny little room compared to the suite he reserved – but it was a nice memory of the night we broke the bed!:)

5 weeks

Wow…made it though a whole month and to the 5th week of no contact.  I can’t count my little slip.:)

As I begin to wind down I realize there is no reason to keep counting, the days, weeks and months will ultimately pile up.

My only lingering questions will be: Will he change?  Will he grow?  Has he learned?  Or will he continue to break hearts?  I wish him the best.

Moreover, I wish the best for myself and the catharisis that writing about him for a week straight has brought me.

I’m closing the book now and you are in the last few pages.  Writing the very last bit of the script.

The denoument, if you may.

The ship has sailed and we are simply waving goodbye.

The pain will linger, it’s so far from gone.  I just refuse to place it front and center in a written page any longer.  That’s enough.  Time to start fresh.

 

What Makes Me Love You

*Note: I started this post BEFORE Bobby’s DDay and the final break.  I kept meaning to get back to it, but never seemed to get around to it.  I do find it cathartic to think about the positive things I experienced in my relationship with him and all the joy I felt.

So, while this is written in present tense, it was actually present tense in early Nov 15, although today it is 4 months old.

 

………………………………………………………………………

I have had an implicit knowledge that the reasons I love Bobby are much different than anything I have experienced before..I have articulated many times over that Bobby had an innate sense of graciousness that I had never experienced.  Perhaps this is his Midwestern upbringing.  Perhaps it’s just Bobby.  Either way, I know I benched him against my relationship requirements and he came out on top, hitting almost every single one of my requirements.  (In that post, I was debating what I saw in him when there were other big elephants in the room, ones that I chose to ignore)

So, I thought it would be a good time to start composing the list of reasons that I do love Bobby, and write them in a letter that isn’t meant to be sent.

I love that he is patient.

I love that he is kind.

I love that he is generous.

I love when he asks me for clarity, not assuming something if he is unsure.  He tries to understand me. He is also an extraordinarily calm communicator, which means I don’t dive off the deep end in my own emotional spiral.

I love how he will make our plans because he knows that is important to me.  He thinks ahead.

I love that he tries, he always tries, to please me…no matter what I ask.

I love how I feel when I am with him, it’s a quiet security sometimes and other times it’s an electric jolt of fun.

I love his honesty.  We developed this amazingly transparent relationship….which has a lot to do with our individual persona’s and the situation.

I love how he is dependable.  I know he will do what he says he will do. I know he is interested in me. I don’t doubt in Bobby.  That is a singularly amazing revelation for me after my abusive marriage.

I love how he never complains, though he could once in a while.

I love how brilliant he is.  Listening to him on the phone for a work call is, frankly, a massive turn on for me.

I love how he has “a plan” for his future.  He can see where he is going and will work really hard to get there.  I admire his work ethic.

I love how is would get upset if I was upset with him, he would be concerned about setting things right.

Respect and Trust…wow, those are tough ones.  Yes, I would say I have both for Bobby.  But knowing he cheats on his wife always makes me uneasy..  I believe I could, had things been different.  Based on what I received from him, yes, I have both trust and respect for him in spades.

He could be the wind beneath my wings, support me and counsel me and is not intimidated or threatened by my vibrancy or fierce personality, he would support it and protect it (and me)

He’s very well-informed and makes good decisions.

He’s an excellent money manager and doesn’t have a fear of spending money.  he enjoys spending money on me.

He pays attention to everything I tell him and remembers it all.  Even my shoe size so he can buy me sexy shoes.

He is an easy confident traveler and can easily navigate any city or country with ease.

I love that I can help him be a superstar – I make him feel like such a man in so many ways.  we build one another up.

I feel glorious, sexy, confident and amazing around him.  I know I make him feel the same way because I can see it in his eyes.

The list of physical things goes on and on, I have never experienced sex that is so intense and heightened before.  He isn’t the first man to pay attention to my needs, but he has taught me how longevity in a relationship can make the sex so much more intense and fulfilling.  I love how he takes lead and wants to teach me new things and is always so willing to be so slow and gentle with me.  And, then, the pride he shows when we do something new and exciting together.

He also has a very special look I love, when he is smiling at me, or I am smiling at him…his eyes crinkle up in the corners and it makes me melt.

Bobby has an appeal, from a looks perspective, that has grown on me immensely.  His eyes, his hair, his smile and he is taking really good care of his body now.  Just when he leaves me he is going to become a hottie!  He is very handsome and I told him so every single time I was with him.  Just like he told me how beautiful, brilliant or sexy I was.  

He danced with me, he drank with me and we had so much fun together.  This was as simple as doing something exciting to lying in bed all day.  It didn’t matter, our relationship was just easy.

He does make me smile in many, many ways and I have seen him act silly (quite silly when dancing with a cowboy hat on,  in fact) when the time is right.  The silly in him was just beginning to come out at the end, so I could see this becoming more fun.  As he grew more comfortable he was getting funnier and sillier and we had some great big belly laughs.  There’s nothing sexier than laughter in bed.  

I loved how my smile could make him smile. He constantly told me how beautiful my smile was and how happy it made him. It was so easy to smile with him.  

I loved how he thought I was unpredictable.  I don’t think I am in fact, but he did.  He said I was always able to surprise him.  

Something not on the list that has occurred to me is that he didn’t really learn how to address a bad mood…that could be down to time, or down to anything else.  If I was upset, he more than likely backed-down.  While this has it’s merit sometimes, I often like to be challenged to think in an alternative way.

Bobby had the magic formula, he was my unicorn.  Perhaps he is the only one to find the magic formula and there will not be another like him.  I’m sure I find love again, but perhaps my own maturity and learning takes me in a different direction.

Bobby brought me to places no man has ever brought me to before.  I know why this is impossible for me to release and why I have been hanging on for dear life – I had everything from him except commitment.  Problem was, I didn’t realize how much I would need that commitment from him until it was too late.

I don’t regret this relationship in any form.  I will learn from it.  But I mourn the loss of the most important person who has come into my life in a long time.  I cry because I finally got everything I ever thought I ever wanted and it was taken away from me.  I despair because I fear I will not have it again, ever, no matter what anyone says.

I think, actually no I believe, we all know our truths…and I believe Bobby was the one to come into my life for a reason and give me all of these things so I can see what is possible.  But I do not believe I will have it again, not like this.  The magic we created was intense, special and unique.  We both learned from this relationship and I forever grateful he came into my life and helped clear my path ahead.

I am terribly sorry the hurt such a wonderful love created in it’s wake.  And even more sorry for the loss of a dream.

 

 

I Hate Him Right Now

I had a great night at a concert with my friends 
But I didn’t. 
I thought about him because the venue was around the corner from his home. I stayed in a hotel we have stayed In before.
If my night was so great why am I hysterical crying over him right now? 
A nice man, though not my type, was attentive to me all evening.    
But here I am.  In hysterical tears. 

I hate him. 

I hate what this has done to me. 

September | How Hope Grows

How does hope grow in an affair?

With emails like this:

……………………….

I do think of us together.  I don’t get hung up on the house or exact location of where we would live.  I do think of the refreshing feeling i would have by having someone in my life who i could be completely open and honest with all the time.

I think of your boys and how i could/would interact with them.  Not sure if i could do much for the two older ones at this point, but maybe i could be a positive influence in your youngest life. Maybe bring him out to the farm for a few days.
I see lots of great travel and weekends like Miami, but also nights in just watching TV and hanging out enjoying time with one another.
Overall i just see life together, the good and bad and in between, that is what i think of when i think of us together long term.
And the sex would be amazing.
……………………………
that I do have this general excitement and giddiness when I’m with you and when I’m anticipating getting to spend time with you.  so yes, those are the feelings of today that I have..
………………………….
i I love you so much..it scares me
…………………………..
you are the best thing that ever happened to me
…………………………..
your my ground, my base, my foundation for many things
……………………………
M: You know I love you

Bobby: You know I love you too, right?

M: You do?  No, I didn’t know.

Bobby: Yes, I really am in love with you…head over heels in love with you

………………………………
And then, when it’s over, telling me something like this:
I spent a long time thinking about us and playing out different scenarios that went all the way from never talking to you again after the texts I sent you that evening to quickly ending my existing marriage and figuring out what it would look like for me to integrate myself into your life, move to (your town) and head down a path of putting our lives together.  Yes.. I ran the gamut in my thoughts.